| Author | Message | ||
| Lisa
Member Username: lisa_m Post Number: 155 Registered: 11-2003 |
When Sparrows Become So Many Descending Stars He could have been the dark earth of the jungle, the way she clung to him, wove herself into the branches of his hair, eyes burning. She should have been dreaming, not searching for feathers or twine to sew fingers into wings. Donna. But does she even know her name? face pressed into the cold corner like that, night breathing her in and out. Let me grow fat as the sky, she whispered, voice the soft mutter of banana leaves. And he held her as if it was last November and she was just his crazy wife; face buried half in the night, watching for stars to fall. So many angels and poor damaged things to break themselves over the porch, and she alone with it all, pushing him away to rush outside, greet nothing but the wind. (c)Megraw03/06/2005 | ||
| Supafly
New member Username: supafly Post Number: 55 Registered: 11-2003 |
perhaps you mean descending? good read} | ||
| Lisa
Member Username: lisa_m Post Number: 157 Registered: 11-2003 |
Thanks Supafly, always a few get through my spell check. Sorry about that and thanks for letting me know. Really pleased you liked the poem. | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Advanced Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2406 Registered: 09-2002 |
Lisa, just beautiful. I love the title. Best, Kathryn | ||
| M
Moderator Username: mjm Post Number: 3024 Registered: 11-1998 |
Excellent piece of writing, Lisa. Just a couple of minor suggestions from me: "But does she even know her name? face pressed into the cold corner like that, night breathing her in and out." I would take out the question mark after "name." Though more often than not, I would recommend putting the question mark in at the end of the sentence, here I would just end with the period as you have done. Though technically it's a question, the way you have it here is more a declarative statement and so the period is the best concluding punctuation mark. "Let me grow fat as the sky, she whispered, voice the soft mutter of banana leaves." I believe I would leave out "voice the" as it's pretty clear. This way? "Let me grow fat as the sky, she whispered, soft mutter of banana leaves. Other than those small things, I thought this one was tightly drawn. Thanks for posting it here. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Advanced Member Username: garyb Post Number: 3820 Registered: 07-2001 |
Let me grow fat as the sky, she whispered, voice the soft mutter of banana leaves. lovely, not sure I agree with M. I like voice the soft. Sometimes extra words count for something. I would not break at the end of S1 and 2. Thanks much, Gary Time to read FireWeed. Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a couple of clicks | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1061 Registered: 12-2003 |
Strong writing lisa, wonderful opening strophe and my favourite; He could have been the dark earth of the jungle, the way she clung to him, wove herself into the branches of his hair, eyes burning. A fine read, Thank you. Lia | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Intermediate Member Username: kathy Post Number: 1929 Registered: 12-2003 |
Lisa, nicely done. Many unique images. Others have made some good suggestions for tightening.  K | ||
| Lisa
Member Username: lisa_m Post Number: 165 Registered: 11-2003 |
Kathy & Kathyrn, thank you for always taking the time to read and comment, l really am grateful. Hi M, thanks for the suggestions, much appreciated. Liked your idea of leaving the question mark off and l'll take another look at the bannana leaves stanza and have a think. Thanks again! Gary, thanks for your thoughts, they are always appreciated and mulled over. It is always a pleasure to see you in my thread. Lia, thanks l'm really chuffed you enjoyed. | ||
| Emusing
Intermediate Member Username: emusing Post Number: 1186 Registered: 08-2003 |
Lisa, you have painted a delicate sort of madness. It reminds me somehow of Tennesse Williams' characters. Ultra feminine, hauntingly fragile....I can almost hear this poem read with a southern lilt. And he held her as if it was last November and she was just his crazy wife; face buried half in the night, watching for stars to fall. Very beautiful. E | ||
| Laurie Byro
Valued Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 974 Registered: 11-2003 |
i love this also and thought of hughes and plath frida or sylvia or any sort of madness thanks laurie | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2350 Registered: 07-2002 |
Lisa, Lovely piece. I especially liked the linebreak here: So many angels and poor damaged things to break themselves Well written piece, very evocative. best, ljc |
